The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 2
WOWZERS! Off the bat I'll remind you not to read if you haven't seen the episode yet. There are spoilers in here. LIKE CORINNE BEING THE WORST PERSON IN THESE STATES UNITED. But you already knew that. If you have watched, you may proceed.
The episode opened with the girls receiving a group date card. The card said, "Always A Bridesmaid... Love, Nick" Let's face it, this is a concept trés close to Nick's heart. Being the actual #1 Bridesman in Bachelor History. A bunch of the ladies are chosen for the date and they all head out of the mansion to leave. But they don't just walk out, they go running out like complete spaz attacks. I have never seen people be so excited to get into a....wait for it....BUICK. A BUICK!! Life in the mansion must be very unsavory. OK, so they were convertible Buicks. But that actually makes it WORSE. Because you know on the inside they be mad AF that their blowouts were about to get destroyed.
They get to this random mansion and run into the backyard (again with the running...) where they find Nick, and a man in a LuLaRoe printed romper waiting for them. They're assigned wedding dresses to wear with different themes. They'll do a photo shoot with Nick and the person who has the "best connection" with Nick will get "a nice surprise." Editor's Note: Did anyone find the way the guy said "I'll have a nice surpriseeeee" really creepy? I was like yeesh bro the only surprise I want from you is burning your romper.
Some various thoughts about the date:
- Step 1: It was really stupid.
- I felt bad for the girl who had the Lady Godiva-eque costume. But not that bad. It brought me great satisfaction to hear Corinne thinking she looked the best, only to have that chick walk in.
- Danielle L. looked like a legit bride compared to everyone else, which is unfair since she's beyond the beyonds pretty.
- They all participated in various redic poses that I'm sure made their parents very proud.
- Nick is a measly ass model. Sorry Wilhelmina, it's true.
- Oh yeah, peeps were dressed as Bridesmaids too.
- Snaps to Alexis who was the "Shotgun Wedding" bride. She stayed in character the entire time, including interviews, with what I would consider a very good southern accent. Editor's Note: It's clear the producers have found the girl whose willing to do/wear anything.
- Corinne is a Stage 5 clinger. I won't even waste my time telling you what she did during the photo shoot... NEVER MIND, I WILL. SHE TOOK HER BIKINI TOP OFF AND FORCED NICK TO JANET-JACKSON-ON-THE-COVER-OF-ROLLING-STONE, her. SHE IS SHAMELESS. And then she won. This was an egregious choice on Romper Man's part. But then again, he chose that romper. (ZINGZANGZONG!)
- I love that one girl who said her parents would kill her if she ever acted like Corinne. But wait-- weren't you the one who told the "I'm not wearing underwear" joke when you got out of the limo?! Pot meet Kettle.
On to the second half of the date...
I think my brain blacked out in what I can only assume was some sort of survival technique to save me from the awkwardness. I can't remember much. But from what I do recall:
- Corinne takes Nick away first. Because that's what serial killers do. (Actually the proper #bachelornation phrase is "steals him" away. Drink every time they say it.) They sit down and he is sweating his ass off. Probably because he's worried she's about to cut him up and wear his skin as a coat.
- Nick has some sort of something on his shirt...
My first thought, clearly, was BBQ sauce. Makes PERFECT sense. Upon further investigation (See: Investigative Reporting) I deduced it's spray tan/ bronzer. You can all go back to bed now, BECAUSE I FIGURED IT OUT.
- Oh and the biggest injustice of 2017 has ALREADY occurred...because Corinne got the group date rose. I mean honestly! PACK IT IN NOW BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NOTHING WORSE. And then she had the nerve to get on her soapbox and say that all she did was be herself. That's how she got the rose. She was just Corinne. You know what I want to do? I wanna grab her by her weave and march her back to Miami to her Nanny. AND THEN I wanna call Nanny 911 and have some lovely, big bosomed, British woman go HAM on her ass. That would make my life many a splendid thing.
Meanwhile, blah, blah, blah Liz repeats her story a million times. And this girl fell asleep in the middle of the kitchen:
DATE #2- One on One with Danielle M. the NICU nurse. They take a helicopter ride and land on a yacht. Then they have dinner in Newport Beach.
- She's super pretty and super chill. But like...maybe a little too chill? Just so tiredddddd. Talked so slowlyyyyy. Blinked so slowlyyyyyy. She needed some RBVs, BADLY. (Editor's Note: Mom: that's an abbreviation for Red Bull & Vodka. Don't say I never taught you anything) She just seemed sort of out of it. At one point he's telling a story and I swear she was THIS close to get her phone out and checking Instagram. Just being like, "Noo nooo, I'm totalllyyyyyy listeningggggg. Go onnnnnnn." In the end, she gets the rose.
- Then they went on a ferris wheel which was cute. Fun fact: Joel and I have actually been on that very ferris wheel in Newport Beach. Too bad when we were on it Joel kept swinging the seat back and forth, and I actually thought I was going to die on said ferris wheel. UPLIFTING STORY, I KNOW.
Date #3- Group Date with some peeps to the Museum of Broken Relationships
- This shiz was just plain weird. From start to finish. This museum only ceased to remind me that many, MANY humans have too much time on their hands. The museum is filled with different mementos (read: crap) that signified a break up to people.
- They walk around looking at this weird stuff and happen about a dead rose and engagement ring. It's Nick's memento that represents his break up with Kaitlyn. He explains that break up story which gives him a brief chance to sound philosophical. And meanwhile, somewhere just down the road in Beverly Hills Neil Lane was probably CHOKING on his Rosé spritzer BECAUSE THAT RING SHOULD NOT BE IN THERE, FOOL. TAKE IT OUT NOW.
- Oh and Liz is on this date. Trying to make eye contact with Nick and he is straight BLOWING HER OFF. And then she cries, of course. But was she crying because of Nick or was she crying because she didn't know if she wanted her kimono ALL THE WAY ON or ALL THE WAY OFF?? For I know that can be upsetting too.
- Then they get the AWESOME OPPORTUNITY to do a fake break up with Nick. Which is just odd. This is where Josephine looks like she slaps him. Joel thinks it was real. I'm not so sure. The sound definitely WAS NOT.
- Liz gets a little too real in her fake break up and finally confesses to the group she had met Nick before at a wedding. Nick doesn't know how to react. Christen, Liz's bff in the house, is the only other person who knows. Seems like every one else is an idiot because they didn't really catch on.
- The rest of the girls do as good of a job as one can do at fake breaking up with someone who isn't even your boyfriend and doesn't know you at all yet. Editor's Note: Why do I feel like these dates are so CONFUSING? Like it's hard to even explain them.
- Part two of the date has nothing interesting happen besides Liz being sent home. Nick figures out from Christen (who sings like a canary!) that Liz HAS told her about their previous hookup. Uh oh, NICK BE MAD NOW. You know it's a bad sign when The Bachelor/Bachelorette asks if THEY can steal YOU from the group. That's when you know you it's going down AND you're yelling TIMBER. He's like WTF LIZ. And the poor thing only makes it worse by talking too much and the whole thing is bad. So he thinks she's shady (they both are!) and he sends her home before the rose ceremony.
- Then he goes back and fesses up to all the ladies on the date. He says he sent Liz home and tell them they've HAD THE RELATIONS. OH SNAP SON. They're obviously shocked and obviously happy someone else is gone.
Next week should be interesting because now these little minions will go tell everyone else in the house and DRAMA WILL ENSUE. HUZZAH!
What were your thoughts on this episode?!?! Comment below!
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