The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 5
Out of the gate I am fixin' to tell you two things. ONE- I WANT TO SEE BEAUTY & THE BEAST NOW. BADLY! The commercials and the little features with Olaf were LEGIT. And I'm totally fine with the fact Emma Watson looks 12 (is she secretly Benjamin Buttoning??) and the beast looks just shy of 60.
TWO- These Middle Earth Bachelor episodes are SOOOOO BORINGGGG. It's neither the beginning nor the end and it's just hard to watch on every level. People who we all know WILL be going home think they can make it to the end (Hi Josephine), and then the peeps who be the WORST of all time (Hi Corinne) are still here! Even though I fast forward though a lot of this ep I'll do my best to give you the important stuff. Because I am a woman of the people. And that's what Investigative Reporters do.
We open with EIG (Emotional Intelligence Gate) happening between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor thinks she's going to use her John's Hopkins Degree to take Corinne to pound town, but sadly SHE IS MISTAKEN. In what can only be described as some Street Level Jeti Mind Trick Sorcery, Corinne turns the tables on Taylor and she ends up having to defend herself to Corinne. The word masterful came to mind as I watched this scene. Corinne I SEE YOU GIRL. And I'm not even mad...I'm impressed.
Corinne quickly runs and tells Nick what is going down with Taylor. And while it may have taken us 5 episodes, we have finally struck BACHELOR GOLD. The infamous "here for the right reasons" phrase was brought into play. Corinne claims Taylor isn't "here for the right reasons".........because she ignores Corinne at breakfast. Editor's Note: From now on drink every time you hear "here for the right reasons", and you shall inherit the drunkenness.
But imma be real wit chu. I wanna make sure you know that I TOO AM HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. And right now my reason is celebrating Corinne's cray. Is she annoying as the dickens? Yes. Does she remind me of Chester The Molester in that whipped cream scene? Certainly. Is she overall insufferable? Sureeee. HOWEVER, I find some peace in knowing she will be the same static psychopath every week. SHE IS OWNING IT. AND OWNING IT IS THE NEW NOT OWNING IT.
On to the Rose Ceremony...
During the RC my brain kept thinking: ABC needs to work into their budget two things 1. HEATED BARNS 2. COATS FOR ALL CONTESTANTS.
If I had a nickle for every time I've seen a girl freezing her ass off in a barn on this show...well let's just say I'd have MUCHO DINERO nickles. And what about poor Sarah? Production couldn't afford to give warmth to the VERY GIRL who they were sending home? They DID HER DIRTY, MY PEOPLE!!!! ABC I see you and your money management problemz!
Sadly, Cold Sarah went home as well as Astrid. Bye Astrid, hope you get the support you need! (GET IT!?!? ZINGZANGZONG!)
Then Nick announces they're off to SPICY New Orleans!!! True to form the girls RUN everywhere to show their joy about going to the Big Easy. Running in the airplane, running in the streets of NOLA, and running into their hotel home. Personally, I would like them all to run into their beds and take a hit of whatever sleepy Danielle M. has been taking.
Date #1 One-on-One date with Rachel
Rachel and Nick set off to explore the city as if they were locals. The first stop was an outdoor mart where they just awkwardly make out in the aisles as tourists walk by. Seems like something locals would do!
Then it's time to have some beignets. I have to admit that when Nick was eating his beignet I was actually yelling at the screen GET IT SON...YOU GET THAT BEIGNET, BOIIIIIIII!!! Because he was eating it so aggressively. Just powder ALL OVER. DIGNITY FAR FAR OUT THE DOOR. Asian Cafe Du Monde employees silently JUDGING HIM. Television gold, right there.
Then to work off the beignets they do some second line dancing in the streets. This was the highlight of the whole episode for me. Rachel and Nick danced like champs together!! 'TWAS SO CUTE. I just kept thinking it was amazing Rachel was doing this whole date in a white one piece bathing suit. Like PROPS girl, because if I tried to do that the entirety of New Orleans would be like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Orleans by the time I was done.
On the second half of the date they dined inside Mardi Gras World which houses all the parade floats. Nothing says HOT, SEXY, DINNER DATE like dining amongst creepy float faces.
We learn that Rachel's dad is a Federal Judge and Nick's like, "Hey Siri. What's a Federal Judge?" Sike. He doesn't do that. But you can tell he wants to.
In the end they both charm the pants off of each other and the rose is a lock for her.
Date #2 is a group date with everyone except Corinne, Taylor and obvi Rachel. This means Corinne and Taylor will have the 2 on 1 date. SHOCKER!
The group date is to a haunted house. Editor's Note: can we just reflect on the fact his group dates are TOTALLY the worst? Like he must secretly hate them all. He's got them doing stupid Nickathalons, shoveling poop on a farm and now THIS!?!
When they get inside the house they're greeted by Boo, the Haunted House Manager. And while they might be vying for Nick's heart, it's only BOO I have eyes for. YES, he is creepy and has a lazy eye. But by the looks of it he makes a MEAN Mint Julip, and that my friends will TAKE YOU PLACES WITH ME.
Boo claims there is a little girl ghost named Mae who haunts the house. She apparently roams the halls pissed because she can't find her doll. I'm like, hmmm are we sure she's pissed about the doll? Are we sure she isn't annoyed because her dumb ancestors have allowed The Bachelor and ABC to FILM INSIDE HER HOUSE????
Eventually, the girls and Nick bust out an Ouija Board and I'm like NOT TODAY SATAN, NOT TODAY. Right before I fast forward it, I did hear Vanessa say she wasn't into Ouija boards and decides to sit this one out. YET ANOTHER REASON why I am proud to call Vanessa my Canadian Crush. Even Canadians know that CALLING for the Devil is dumb dumb for lum lum.
After the Ouija board insanity, I just continued to fast forward though the rest of the date. It looked like people walking in dark hallways, people frenching Nick, then people walking in more dark hallways, then some more peeps frenching of Nick. Yes or yes?
Sleepy Danielle M. gets the group date rose.
Meanwhile the SHOWDOWN JULIE BROWN heats up between Corinne and Taylor back at the hotel. One decides to pregame the date with a 47 course meal, and one decides to pregame with essential oils and a fire hazard of candles circled around her. I will let you decide who does what.
Date #3 2 on 1 with Corinne and Taylor
The girls take a boat ride down the bayou with Mr. Nick. ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW CAN BE SEEN BELOW:
Yes, I made Poppy watch that part this morning. And yes, she was like THAT MAN JUMPED IN THE BOAT HAHAHAHAHA. My thoughts exactly Poppy, my thoughts exactly.
Anyway, they wind up taking the boat to a little wooded island where priestesses are dancing around with sage and someone is reading Tarot cards. Again I'm like THAT'S A NO FOR ME DAWG, so I fast forward. It looked like there was just a lot of this going on:
I did stop during the card reading just to hear the lady give the most generic reading ever. The cards OF COURSE fit perfectly for the current drama going down.
It's finally judgement time for Corinne and Taylor. And while America is screaming, "PICK TAYLOR, damnit!!!" at their TV screens, Nick does not hear their cries, and chooses Corinne. Sending Taylor home. In the last part of the scene we see them LEAVING TAYLOR WITH THE PRIESTESS ON THE ISLAND and riding away in the boat with
my boyfriend the boat driver.
But Taylor may be down BUT SHE IS NOT OUT. During Corinne's romantic dinner with Nick, Taylor walks in like
It's going down next week so TUNE IN OR TUNE OUT!!!
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P.S. BIG ANNOUNCEMENT COMING NEXT WEEK! HUZZAH!!