The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 9

The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 9

Hello my compadres! I'm back with another Bach recap! Don't proceed and READ until you've WATCHED this week's episode. It's a short one. Only an hour! My recaps are JAM PACKED with spoilers so I don't want you to be mad at me! GO WATCH! 

And if you're very bored you can read ALL my Bachelor recaps by clicking The Bachelor page on the main menu! 


GUESS WHOSE BACK, BACK AGAINNNNN! Andi's BACK, TELL A FRANNNNNNNND. I'm gonna get out in front of it and say that neither Nick nor Andi will be winning an Oscar for their acting performance for Andi's "random" drop in. YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL it was set up and everyone saw it coming. Except us!

The scene opens where we left off last week with a knock at the door. Nick opens the door to see former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman staring back at him. And she's all:

And he's like, "Hey." Not even OH HEY! So underwhelmed. It was like a "hey, how much for the pizza?" It was so weird! The fact he was so NOT surprised made it clear he knew it was coming. Doesn't REALLY matter because either way I doubt he knew how this convo was gonna go down. Sidebar: when she said Hello, Nick. did anyone else think of this:

 Hello, Neuman.

Hello, Neuman.

Once they establish it's a WHISKEY kind of night, we move over to the preparation for the Rose ceremony. My angel Vanessa wore her best toga dress and bomber jacket. (sorry girl but that dress was NO BUENO.) She's feeling upset and sad and not special. I'm just happy that she has those adoring students to fall back on if Nick doesn't pick her. Speaking of no bueno dresses, Corinne continues to serve us more NSFW slits in her dresses. This time DOUBLE THE SLITS FOR DOUBLE THE CHANCES OF SEEING HER NONO SPECIAL SPOT. 

Back and the hotel the whiskey is kicking in and Nick & Andi are getting more comfortable in their chat. Nick conceeds that it actually really IS hard to be in this position where you control the fate of 30 people. Andi's like YEAH SO ABOUT THESE FINAL 3, WILL YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM? And Nick's like I'm not sure and Andi's like well let me offer you the worst advice in the history of mankind-- If you like them, just do them all!! 

She actually DOES say that. All under the umbrella of her "feminist rant." I'm sitting staring at the screen being like Andi you DUMB because remember when YOU had sex with everyone in the fantasy suites? Remember how AWESOME that turned out for you? Editor's Note: Do yourself a favor and watch that entire 1 minute clip. Television gold. 

Just when we thought that Andi was suffering from a debilitating case of memory loss, she drops bombs over Baghdad by saying, "Now do you regret saying, 'Then why did you make love to me?' to me?" FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE. Clearly a zing. And Nick sees her ZING and raises her one by JUST SAYING A VERY GENUINE SORRY. There's nothing worse than trying to ZING someone and them just being like, "Oh yeah. That was my biggest regret. I'm so sorry." She's like OH SHIZ OK THANK YOU NICHOLAS. 

They wrap up Andi's visit and we are supposed to be under the impression that the ladies have been waiting downstairs about to be blown away. 

And their skinny asses might ACTUALLY blow away. But not before roses! Nick hands out each rose and it's CORINNE who gets the axe! CRAZYTOWN, USA! I'm glad her reign of terror is over, but I will miss her. We all knew she wouldn't ACTUALLY win, so it was her time. 

At first I thought she would be like

But she's more like

 GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

I feel pretty bad for her until she's in the limo lamenting her life and being like, "WHY CAN'T I HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP? I'M JUST SAYING THINGS THAT MEN WILL THINK IS APPROPRIATE!" I'm like DUDE that's the threshold your working with?? What men like to see and hear?? NO WONDER YOU GOT YOURSELF CAUGHT UP IN WHIPPED CREAM GATE. She decides she's no longer going to kiss men's boombooms to make them happy, and maybe that's a good thing. 

Ultimately she goes out in true Corinne fashion-- asleep. I just hope Nick returned his $3000 Meet The Parents outfit after all this went down. 

Next up the final 3 ladies, Vanessa, Raven and Rachel are off to ROMANTIC FINLAND to have their overnight dates with Nick.  First one up-- THAT'S SO RAVEN!

Let's just ignore the fact I have a husband, 3 kids, am grossly overweight FOR THIS SHOW and am too old...I could never be on The Bachelor for the mere fact they TAKE HELICOPTERS EVERYWHERE. Like NO. THANKS. NOT TODAY SATAN. 

After their helicopter ride they stop at a local pub for some beers and darts. Nothing interesting to note here except:

They have some shots and get down and dirty discussing what's really important in a relationship: who does what chores. Nick's all I'M NOT A REGULAR GUY, I'M A COOL GUY I don't need a woman to cook and clean for me. And Raven's like coooollllll because I don't cook. Nick goes on to say he loves to iron and Raven's very pro-steamer. I can't understand someone who LOVES to iron because I'm like STEAMERS 4 PREZ!!! I also keep thinking she would look really good with a LOB haircut. Editor's Note: That's a long bob hairstyle, dad. 

At dinner Raven tells Nick she loves him (first time she's ever said it!) in a very cute way. I almost wanted him to say it back to her just so her for ILU was reciprocated. Instead you can tell Nick has his DUMB friend Ben on the brain who said it about 3x too many last season. He doesn't say it but he kisses her and sheds a few tears.

PS I would like you know that there was a time, back in the day, when no one ever talked about S-E-X on this show. It was a simpler time. Clearly, Raven never watched those episodes. She shares with Nick that her old boyfriend never.....fulfilled her needs........................And Nick's like

And I'm like

And Raven's like 

 THE DAY!!!!

THE DAY!!!!

We leave the two young lovebirds in their teepee type fantasy suite to "watch the Northern lights" IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANNA CALL IT!! ZINGZANGZONG!!!!

Until next week!!


Hello? Is It Me You're Looking for?

Hello? Is It Me You're Looking for?

Take 5 Friday

Take 5 Friday