The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 3
OMG WE'RE BACK AGAINNNNN (HEYYYY YEAHHH)!! It's WEEK 3 in Bachelor world and the drama is in full force! I'll quickly remind you that this post DOES contain spoilers! Don't read it until you've RUN not WALKED to your DVR, and watched this week's episode.
The episode opens with all the girls talking about the News of the Week. Nick has finally confessed that he slept with Liz. The ladies are shocked. Disappointed. Sad. And "just have so many thoughts running through my head." My thoughts:
- Wait...why so many thoughts? He had The Relations with Liz. OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON.
- Also WHY must Nick keep saying he "had sex with Liz" Like, STOP. Editor's Note: I'm SORRYNOTSORRY, mom. It's his unnecessary words, not mine. Doesn't he know the youngsters these days say "hooked up"? Although LEZBHONEST, putting a fine point on things is one of Nick's favorite past times. (See: the "Why did you make love to me then?" question to Andi. Yeesh.)
Next we have the Cocktail Hour before the rose ceremony. Editor's Note: Does anyone else hate the way they split episodes now where rose ceremonies happen at the beginning of eps instead of the end? It's so confusing. Thoughts from the CH:
- What is this tie, Nicholas??? It looks like a scrap from Grandma's curtains. Possibly fashioned by Grandma for a craft fair where proceeds go to the local Moose Lodge.
- The girls sort of annoyed me being by holier than thou and saying things like "I DON'T KNOW...THIS MAY CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT HIM...." First of all, yeah right. Secondly, you actively chose to go on THE BACHELOR. Sooooo you may sit down now.
- THIS JUST IN: NICK CONTINUES TO SIT ON COUCHES LIKE A WOMAN.
- Danielle L. CONTINUES to be super, super pretty.
- Nick's hair is feeling fully alive tonight. Evidently it's gotten the memo that the higher the hair, the closer to God. And Nick's about to need God because HERE COMES CORINNE IN A TRENCH COAT.
- CORINNE. IN. A TRENCH COAT. YOU GUYS! She's insufferable. She needs CLOTHES. And HOLY WATER. I almost can't even write about the trench coat, whipped cream scene. It's the most awkward thing I've ever witnessed in #bachelornation history. I'm totally serious. And also because my PARENTS reads this blog, you sickos. Let's just say, it was very much a MISSION FAILURE for her. Nick looked like he wanted to die. And America also wanted to die.
- To the delight of everyone, Corinne ends up falling asleep and doesn't attend the rose ceremony. This is a breath of fresh air for all.
- Some anon girls went home including the one girl who forgot that a BRA DOES NOT A DRESS MAKE.
DATE #1- Group Date
Some girls are picked for a group date. The card's only clue says "Everybodyyyyy...." They all sit around for a second wondering what that means. All of the sudden a Backstreet Boys song starts to play. AND THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK INTO THE MANSION. The girls spaz. Almost as much as that time they spazed about riding in a Buick.
When BSB walked in I thought two things: 1. Cool they're 50 years old now. 2. 'NSYNC would have never sunk to this level. For that is right my friends, I was an 'NSYNC Girl. (J.C. GIRLS SHOW YOURSELVES!) Whenever they were in town, you could find me (and my dear friend Katie B. aka The Brinks Job) screaming like wild women at their shows, wearing our reversible Adidas jackets and Tommy Girl perfume. Fun Fact: I was a notorious over spritzer of perfume (do you find this surprising? The answer is no) so sometimes Katie's mom would make me douse myself in lemon juice so that I smelled a little more....subtle. Le Sigh. Memories of a simpler time.
Despite being an 'NSYNC-er I was still pretty giddy during this scene when BSB walked in. I actually found myself saying to Joel, "I can name all of them!! First AND last names." He was like, "Ohhh. Cool, babe..................."
BSB tell the girls they're date is to preform some dance moves at their concert tonight in front of 500 peeps. A few thoughts from the date:
- Corinne is The Worst at dancing. AND IT'S SO SATISFYING TO WATCH. And of course she cries.
- Most of the girls are pretty good, particularly my girl Jasmine. Danielle L. is perfectly in her element, too.
- Once on stage, BSB chooses Danielle L. as the one with the best moves and most chemistry with Nick. And let's face it...the hottest. Now Nick and Danielle L. get serenaded by BSB while dancing like 8th graders at a Mixer. Expect not because they are frenching pretty hard. Leaving NO ROOM for the Holy Spirit, I might add.
On the second half of the date:
- Corinne "steals" Nick first. Naturally. She also has the widest slit I've ever seen in a dress. She also calls choreography "planned dancing." As in, "planned dancing is really hard for me." I won't lie, when she said that I had a hearty LOL. Obvi she wasn't trying to be funny which only made it funnier. This will be the only thing that Corinne ever does that I enjoy, trust.
- The biggest offender of this whole operation though, is Raquel. No she is not a contestant on the show. SHE IS CORINNE'S NANNY. She's the one I have a bone to pick with her making of the bed and LEMON SALADS!!! She is an enabler to the Terrible Awful that is Corinne.
- Gotta love the shade Jasmine throws when she figures out Corinne is a 24 year-old with a Nanny. She was like, GIRL BYE.
- Danielle L. gets the group date rose, obvi.
Date #2 One-on-One
Vanessa gets chosen for the one on one date. Since she is a living, breathing Canadian Saint, I am very OK with this. They go on one of those Zero G planes and pretend they're in outer space. Some Thoughts:
- I love her, amen.
- Her hair looks REALLY GOOD floating around in that plane.
- I was feeling for her when she was throwing up over and over. I was getting sick just WATCHING the date on my SECURE TO THE GROUND COUCH.
- He's obvi V obsessed with her because he was frenching her after she threw up.
- I couldn't stop thinking about the camera man. How was he doing this? Was he strapped to something? Was he throwing up? I NEED ANSWERS, TOUT SUITE!
On the second half of the date:
They go to the top of the tallest building in LA. Here they pretend to eat dinner but really just stare at each other. My thoughts:
- I'm not pleased to report Nick has now acquired some sort of sinus infection because he sounds very stuffed up. Combined with the LTI (Lisp Teeth Issue), it's......unfortunate.....
- HOUSTON, WE HAVE A ROMANCE!!! They for SURE have good chemistry. You can tell he's into her, possibly more than she is into him. THAT'S WHERE YOU WANNA LIVE, VANESSA. YOU'LL LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE RIGHT THERE!!!
- He cries. Basically about how obsessed with Vanessa he is. (ME TOO NICK, ME TOO.) It was actually sort of endearing. Men crying isn't my favorite thing to bear witness to, but his tears seemed genuine.
- Am I starting to like Nick!? I feel icky in my sticky...
Date #3- Group Date
Some peeps get picked to compete in a Nickcathalon. This is what we in the business refer to as THE BOOBY PRIZE (pun intended...I'm looking at you, Astrid). This is by far the WORST date to be chosen for of the three dates. They have to run, throw, and race around vying for Nick's heart. My thoughts:
- I hated it.
- Astrid needs support. Brazier support. Also: Who is Astrid??
- Nick partakes in some weird dance on the side of the screen that makes me feel uncomfortable. See 1 hour 29 minutes into the episode. Also see: Investigative Reporting
- The three big winners have to compete to be the ultimate winner by racing to a giant plastic engagement ring. This was very awkward. Rachel grabs the ring but knocks it over. She attempts to step on it while Astrid is picking it up. So technically Astrid came in 3rd but still won.
- The big prize was spending time IN YOUR WORK OUT CLOTHES in a hot tub they wheeled up to the track. NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.
On to the second half of the date...
- All you need to know about this part is that someone named Dominique has a mental breakdown about not getting enough time with Nick. She brings this to Nick's attention and he's like sorry, I have no clue who you are. And sends her home.
- Rachel gets the group date rose.
The last scenes of the episode are a blur. We learn that in place of a Cocktail Party the ladies will have a Pool Party instead. SWITCHAROO!! At the party, Corrine acts like a complete freak, the girls can't handle it, and they want to confront Nick. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK!
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